October 16th, 2017

This was my weekend.  Yuck.  I hate being sick.  I suppose everyone hates being sick. But I am kind of weird about it.  I deny it.  I refuse to acknowledge that I'm anything less than perfectly healthy and as normal as I ever am.  A friend once told me that if asked on my death bed how I am, I will probably answer, "I'm fine".  Sounds about right.

I am not grossed out by illness itself.  I'm not wierded out by germs and I have great compassion and patience with other people who are injured or sick.  I will fetch and carry endlessly, fluff pillows and make soup.  I'll change channels, change sheets and do endless loads of bed linens because I know how yummy clean sheets feel especially when a person is sick. I will read aloud until my voice is hoarse, make a hundred pharmacy runs and think of clever ways to entertain or soothe the patient.  

But I do not want it done for me because that would be admitting that I was sick and I hate to ever cop to that reality. No. Just no.

A few years back I got the flu which was odd because I always get a flu shot.   It is the one and only time I have ever had influenza so I can only surmise that it must have been a different strain. 

Because I do not get sick (right) I went to work even though I didn't feel quite .......right.  It wasn't something I could put my finger on though so I shook it off and showered and dressed in my nice work clothes.  I remember being so very tired while showering that washing my hair was an exceptionally difficult chore. Still I powered through. 

As soon as I got to work people started asking me if I was ok.  "I'm fine"  I smiled back and kept going.  "Are you sure, they pressed."  "I'm fine I insisted" getting annoyed.  But as the morning progressed I started feeling achy all over and then lightheaded. Finally the boss ordered me to the doctor.  The fact that I went says a little something.  The doc determined that I had the flu and called a prescription for Tamiflu to the pharmacy for me.  I fell asleep in the office during the exam.  Crazy.  I'm not sure how I made it home. I did not pick up the prescription because I wasn't sure that I could.

  I remember walking in the house, dropping my purse on the floor, and starting up the stairs.  Apparently by the time I got to the top of the stairs I was done because I just lay down on the floor and was asleep.  Fortunately, I had the forethought to notify Tim that I had been ordered home by my doctor and he was smart enough to know that I should be checked on because he  arrived home shortly after me.  He woke me up, practically carried me to the bedroom, tucked me up and asked me how I was.  "I'm fine"  I said just before falling asleep again.  I slept for the next three days.

I'm not certain why I am so resistant to the idea that I am human and therefore flawed.  I am not impervious to germs and bacterium and there will be times when I am less than 100%.  It's simply a fact.  One that I refuse to accept.

It makes me a difficult patient.  I do not want to go to bed, no thank you.  I do not want to get into my jammies.  I do not want to be fussed over. I don't not want to be checked on when I spend the next three hours laying on the bathroom floor.  And I do NOT want to be asked if I would like to try a little bit of soup, thank you no!  I try to be gracious. I know my loving husband, who is a wonderful caregiver, is just trying to help. But I have to bite my tongue to  keep from biting his head off with my replies.  I appreciate how fortunate I am to have someone willing to put up with the sick version of me and take care of me in spite of myself.

Because I hate being sick so much, I work very hard to stay healthy.  I exercise, try to eat healthy, wash my hands a lot, drink water, and get my flu shot. (although I admit that one time it didn't help, all the other times it did).  I keep a good attitude (I'm convinced that good attitudes help too. I may be deluding myself but it certainly cannot hurt).  Just sometimes, no matter how hard I try, some nasty germ still finds me.

Whatever the bug was that I managed to contract this time around, it was thankfully short lived.   Horrible but brief. Today I'm fine. A few pounds lighter, but fine. 

Hope you all stay healthy through this annual season of the dreaded flu. And if you do get sick and you are lucky enough to have a loving caregiver, remember to be nice to them no matter how you feel.