October 03rd, 2017

I offer you here a random sampling of chairs from around my house.  Each is different but really,  when you get right down to it, they all perform the same function.  They all offer you a place to sit.  Not standing, not lying down, but specifically, sitting.  Simple enough. 

Sitting is a good thing.  The perfect way to share a meal, drive a car, tie a shoe, or read a book.  I probably sit too much, which would explain my porportions but regardless, there are times when sitting is not an option. 

At the doctor's office, the lady behind the desk invariably says, "fill this out and take a seat".  Similarly at the DMV, the dentist office, the bank and anywhere else a person is required to wait.  At school we were told to "find a seat".  School desk chairs are notoriously uncomfortable but still, we all did as directed and found a seat.  Casino seats are very comfortable.  They want patrons to be there as least a long as there is still jingle in our pockets. Trains, planes and automobiles are all designed for people to sit.

Digressing only slightly, I have this theory about chairs.  Well chairs and butts to be specific.  I have this idea that bottoms, the human gluteus maximus, the derriere, if one's sensibilities are more refined, are similar in nature to goldfish.  Goldfish grow to the size of their environments.  Meaning, that if they are kept in a tiny bowl, the fishies remain tiny.  If they are moved to a larger bowl, they grow larger.   I believe that if we sit a lot, our fannies grow to the suit the size of the seat of that chair....the sitters environment.  I have no scientific evidence to support this theory other than the size of my own butt and the chair I most often sit in, but I stand by my theory. 

Back to the matter at hand.  I don't expect much of a chair other than it allow me the opportunity to sit in it at least marginally comfortably for whatever period of time I am required to sit.  It's especially nice if my feet touch the floor while I sit and I am not left feeling like a 3 year old, feet dangling in the air.  I tend to sit very straight which probably comes from all those years of playing violin and living in fear of my teacher, Mrs. Kring, poking me in the back with the very pointy ivory tip of her own bow in her effort to improve my posture.  Then there is the short girl problem  of the person in front of me invariably being taller than I  which also requires me to pose in that chair with what appears to be excrutiatingly good posture but is rather, an effort to see.

What is my point?  I'm getting there, albeit slowly.  Recently I treated myself to a pedicure.  It's something I rarely do. In fact the last time was more than a year ago.  So I had forgotten about the massage chair trend.  Every nail salon that I've been to in at least the past 15 years has massage chairs for it's customers.  While I appreciate the effort to offer what most people would consider a luxurious experience, I do not like massage chairs.

As I have mentioned repeatedly and anyone who knows me is aware, I am short.  5 feet two inches if I think tall thoughts and stand very straight.  These chairs are clearly intended for someone taller than I.  Nothing hits in the right place.  They push buttons that have the chair massaging the air above my head.  Additionally, the customer is, apparently, supposed to lean back.  I'm not comfortable leaning back.  Leaning back implies that I am relaxed.  I am not relaxed during a pedicure.   Think about it.  There we sit in a public place, shoes off, with a total stranger doing things to my feet. It's an odd situation all around.  I sit up straight.  If you want my feet to be where they can be worked on during this session, I need to sit up straight. Otherwise, they are dangling somewhere in space.  Sometimes the chair shakes rather violently during it's massage circuit. That seems counter productive while you are painting my toes.  Wouldn't you prefer me to be still?  The parts of the massage that actually touch my body are uncomfortable.  They poke and prod and rotate painfully.  It's just not relaxing to me.    I have had massages that I've thoroughly enjoyed and benefitted from but it was not done in a chair with a dozen other patrons sitting at my side and it definitely didn't leave me bruised.

So it's very clear how I feel about a mssage chair.  Imagine my surprise yesterday, when I reclined in the dental chair and immediately realized that oh no!  Another massage chair.  I get it. It's supposed to help relax me.  It did not.  While not as uncomfortable as those in nail salons, it also was something I would not voluntarily choose.  It felt like kittens were kneading my back.  I don't particularly care to have the experience of kittens kneading my back while I am at a dental appointment.  To say that it was a surprise would be an understatement. 

All I require of a chair is that it sit there quietly and allow me to place my keister on it's horizontal surface for a few moments. I do not  need it to move around, unless it's rocking.  I love a rocking chair.  But that is a story for another day.

It's good to be back people.  I've missed you.  Hope you missed me a little bit too!