July 24th, 2018

I almost didn't write this post because I don't want to freak out anyone who was even remotely considering coming to visit us.  But  in the spirit of honesty, here goes:

I'm not quite certain how it happened, but somehow, as it turns out, we have a lizard in the house.  It looks a lot like this one.

They are tiny and they are fast. Like amazingly fast.  Lightening fast.  Blink and they are gone fast. Magic trick fast. My guess is that when either Tim or I were entering or exiting the house, this little guy (or girl - I have no idea) saw that split second of opportunity and went for it.  We had no idea of course.

I have no idea when this happened but I  found out recently when I stepped into the utility room.  I was wearing no shoes, only socks, so I was probably quieter than usual and the lizard didn't hear me coming.  I opened the door and just before I stepped into the room I saw, directly in front of me on the floor, the lizard.   The lizard saw me and froze.  I said something brilliant  like, "What are you doing inside? You don't belong in here" (I'm clever that way) and then ever so slowly, so as not to startle him, I gradually moved into the room.  Lizard didn't move except to watch me carefully.

Ssslllloooowwwwllllyyy I walked to the door and even more slowly opened it.  "Go ahead, little Lizard" I encouraged, "Time to go outside and join your friends."  Lizard responded by dashing under the water heater. Dang.  I tried to chase him out from under the water heater by poking the long end of a wooden spoon in his general direction.  Important note here:  I do not want to kill him. I do not even want to hurt him.  I just want him back outside where he belongs.  No matter, the spoon didn't work at all.  I think he just played it like a dodgeball champion until I gave up.  

I went to get a flashlight so that I could see what I was doing and while I was doing that, he left for another hiding place. Ratz.  Now it bears noting that lizards are harmless.  They do not bite.  They do not sting.  They do not stink.  And I have no idea why on earth this one prefers to be inside.

There were no other lizard sightings for a few days.  And then last Friday when I went into the guest bathroom to clean it, there he was, starring up at me innocent as a little rose. Except of course it's  a lizard.  'Well guy, should we try this again?' I asked him as I slowly put down my cleaning supplies.  He looked back at me as if to say, "You and what army?"  The instant my knees hit the floor he dashed under the vanity.  'I see you" I told him as I peered underneath.  "I see you too" I imagine that he said back to me.  Turns out that I cannot reach him in that back corner under the vanity.  "Dang!" I sat back on my heels to think.

This time I decided that I'd wait him out.  I moved back into the guest room far enough that he couldn't see me, not even the shadow of me, and I waited ready to pounce.  And I waited. And I waited.  "Well gosh, this is boring"  I thought to myself, "There are so many other things I could be doing right now!"  I got hold of myself, grabbed the cleaning supplies and went ahead and completely thoroughly cleaned the guest bathroom. The lizard is now springtime fresh.  Once again, when I checked under the vanity again, he was gone. Snuck out while I was cleaning obviously.

The most recent occasion of finding him was when I was vacuuming in the family room yesterday.  I was plugging in the vacuum and saw movement out of the corner of my eye and caught him skittering from under the TV cabinet to under the sofa.  I didn't even try to get him out from under there. It's so low to the ground even my arm doesn't fit beneath the sofa.  When I finished cleaning the family room I left with a warning, 'Some day Lizard, some day I will win and you will be outta here!"  As I was walking from the room I swear I heard a tiny high pitched giggle.

Now that Tim is back home I am certain that this will be resolved.  Anyone who is icked out by the thought of a lizard loose in the house take heart, the lizard eviction process has begun.  As I say, Tim is on this which is the same thing as saying it's taken care of.  This housecat of a lizard is the same as gone.  

Your inside days are numbered, Lizard..This is your last warning!