April 19th, 2024

How many times have you heard that old saying, "With Age Comes Wisdom"?  I cannot begin to count how many times I have read it or heard it throughout my life.  I think I mostly, it was when I was much younger.

It became something to aspire to, something to look forward to. " When I'm older I will be wise".  Mental images of owls that looked a lot like Albert Einstein came to mind.  I pictured myself sagely nodding and answering questions and the crowd hanging on to my every word.   Or at least entering my golden years with an uncanny ability to select the best, fastest moving line in the grocery store.  Practical Wisdom.

And then I do something abysmally stupid and then I wonder when exactly this aged wisdom will begin to kick in.  

By way of example: About a month ago now,  I was cleaning baseboards (my first mistake obviously) when I had a little oopsy.  So picture this:  there I was squatched down carefully wiping down the baseboards under the part of the kitchen island that overhangs so that a person can sit at the counter.  Got it?  Good.  Then when I finished, I - still squatched over - backed up and in one quick movement stood up. All fine and good except that I hadn't yet cleared the overhanging countertop.  ouch.  I whammed my head full tilt into the granite and I tell ya, I saw stars, moons, suns. and all of the constellations I think.  

Tim heard the bang and came running in and found me sitting on the floor under the counter, with my hands on the ouchie part of my head and he brought me an ice pack immediately, got me to a chair to just sit then asked what happened.  When I told him, he just shook his head.  It's not the first time he has rescued me after having done something less than brilliant.

I was fine, thank you very much, but I felt very stupid.  And I said, to myself, "either I'm not yet old enough to be wise or the wisdom gene skipped a generation" and I went on about my life. 

But then yesterday I had a conversation with a friend about food.  Varieties of foods.  What foods we do and do not care for. And  she suggested that perhaps I ought to try a particular food again rather than just say that I had it once (long ago) and didn't like it and therefore have no desire to eat it again.  And I responded that I know myself quite well by now and I know, without a seconds hesitation that if I didn't like it then  I will not like it any better now thank you very much.   

There was no heat to my words, just a strong, firm, unshakeable conviction.  I delivered my words with a smile and a small laugh.  Neither of us was angry with the other.  We continued our conversation about other things.  But afterwards, it dawned on me that rarely in my life have I been so very confident about anything.  There was not one single doubt in my mind that what I was saying was true.  Hmmm. Interesting.

Now let's add to that.

This blog that I write is out there in the blogiverse.  Anyone of several billion people who are online can access it.  Which means that they can also comment on it.  And they do.  Most of the comments are kind, supportive and interesting and I greatly appreciate every single one.  But every once in awhile I get pushback from someone who takes issue with what I say, or how I say it.  It used to bother me.  It bothered me a lot more than it should have.  I wrote long letters of explanation and apology to these total strangers which sometimes caused them to write again, meaner, worse things.  And I fretted about it far too much.  I questioned if I had any business writing a blog in the first place.

Fast foward to today and I don't do that anymore. If someone doesn't like what I write, it's such a pity and what a shame.  But hey, life is fraught with disappointment is my attitude.  And then (a surprising new thing)  I never think about it again.

This goes for other internet sites that I am on.  I'm not on many but there is a photo site that oddly gets some people riled up and a few q & a sites that engender far more lashings that are strictly necessary.  

I no longer worry about whatever they have to say. Sometimes I don't even read anything mean or negative.  But when I do, I shrug and move along in my day and never give them a second thought.  In an unusual move,  recently I did respond to someone who disagreed with me.   And it wasn't even what I said, it was how I said it that he objected to.  And I responded that, basically, I cannot please everyone so I have decided to please myself.  That what I wrote pleased me and if it did not please him that perhaps he shouldn't read my responses.    And I wrote those words with no malice or ill intent, but with great confidence in myself.  

Wow, I have come a long way baby.  This is the same person who has spent 70 (almost 71) years basically apologizing for existing.  I apologized for everything all of the time whether I had any control over the situation or not, somehow, everything seemed to be my fault and therefore, I apologized.  And when people said to stop apologizing, I apologized for apologizing. 

It was ridiculous.  And it was sincere. I felt terrible for whatever awkwardness or discomfort or distress that other person was expressing. Even when I had nothing whatsoever to do with it.

If anyone challenged anything I said (or wrote) I was certain that they were correct and I was wrong and I would withdraw my statement and apologize once again.  

I am not sure why things have begun to change for me but they absolutely have.   Suddenly for no reason that I can figure out,  I am beginning to see things more clearly.  Including that old saying about age and wisdom.

I think perhaps the wisdom we gain in older age isn't just life experience type wisdom (although there certainly is that).  I think, maybe, the wisdom we achieve is in truly knowing ourselves.  Finally after all these years, I know what I like and what I don't, I know who I am and who I'm not.  I know what my dreams are, what my skills are, what my failings are  and I have no difficulty sharing that information (when pertinent) regardless of how anyone else feels about it.  They can question me, doubt me, chastise me, scold me, turn their backs on me, but it does not change who I am or how I feel. 

And I make no excuses or apologies for it. There is not one doubt in my mind that what I said was exactly what I intended to say.  Awesome.  And about dang time.

I will continue to do stupid or foolish things now and again because that too is part of who I am, but I am no longer embarrassed by it.  Much like Popeye, I yam who I yam and I'm okay with it.  I am old now and in one of the ways that is most important, I am wiser.

I think I got this.