January 16th, 2018

 I am annoyed today and while I don't usually like to do an online whine, today I afraid that I am going to.  You are forewarned.  Sam is cranky today.

​This thing.  This horrible awful thing.  It is my arch nemesis. We do not like each other.  We do not have a healthy relationship.  And society does not help with this at all.

​I have to back up a little here.  All my life. My entire life, I am not exaggerating for effect, I literally mean all 64 years that I have lived on this planet, I have been told that I am fat.  I do not measure up. I have been told this by people I know, by  people I believed loved me and even people I do not know at all.  They  have all told me I need to lose weight. There apparently is some standard that I struggle to meet, some number that has been chosen and I fail to reach every day. And then there is our society which tells me that this is important.  Not merely important, but paramount.  Magazines tell us, TV and movies tell us, fashion tells us and commercials tell us this, so it must be true, right?

​My weight has been an issue for me for 64 years.  I have excercised and starved myself and frankly I'm tired of being hungry.  I'm tired of saying, "No thank you" to an offer of a cookie or a piece of cake.  Weary of feeling guilty when I "break the rules" and eat a piece of pizza or a serving of pasta. It's a cookie for heaven's sakes, not an entire cake!  But I feel guilty if indulge in my cravings and then I stupidly try to balance the moment of indulgence by eating nothing but the thing I crave. Not a healthy way to live and I have for far too long.

​My constant struggle with my weight over the years has evolved into becoming the center of my existence and that is just wrong in so many ways.  Dreading doctor appointments, not because I am worried about what is wrong with me but knowing that I have to get on a scale and then seeing THAT look on their faces, tsktsktsk.  Trying on clothes at the store and nothing looks right, nothing feels right and then seeing THAT look on the face of the sales lady.  Meeting people for the first time and being surveyed, up and down and then seeing THAT look on their faces.

 Frankly,  I'm over it.  I'm tired of feeling like I am substandard.  I'm tired of thinking about food all of the time.  I weary of being hungry all of the time. I am over feeling guilty when I eat.  And mostly I'm tired of THAT look.

Not long ago, my regular doctor (who, by the way, has never said one single word to me about my size) sent me to a gastro doc for my long standing problem with indigestion.  The very first thing he said to me was that I needed to lose ten pounds.  I responded with, "Well actually doc, I've weighed all sorts of different numbers and the issue has always been there". He nodded and smiled and said again, "I promise you, if you lose ten pounds, the issue will go away." I did not smile as said slowly and clearly, "Actually, I have weighed a lot less, still had the problem'.  He continued to beam at me, "Lose the ten pounds and you will see".  I was irritated.  Clearly he was  not listening to me OR he didn't believe me.  I'm not sure which is worse.

​The truth is I have weighed a lot  less.  At one time, as a full grown adult, in an effort to please the people who insisted that I was fat, I managed to lose so much weight that I came in at a measly 86 pounds and still was told that I was fat.  By that time I had developed such body dysmorphia that I couldn't see how bad I looked.  I honestly still thought I was the porker I was being told that I was.  It took me a while to get healthy again after that.   That was not a good thing.

​I do not contest the fact that I need to lose ten pounds.  It's true.  I would certainly look better ten pounds lighter.  My clothes would be loose.  I like it when my clothes are very loose. But to achieve that nowadays, I have to be really hungry all of the time.  I have to go to bed at night listening to the growl of my belly. And worse, the older I get, the harder it is to lose weight.  That's just a fact for nearly everyone.

  Here is how I see it. I walk nearly everywhere I go, so that's some serious walking, every single day.  I take pilates classes twice a week.  I enjoy biking.  I don't sit on my butt all day.  That said, I'm sure there is more that I could do as far as excercise. But in all honesty,  I probably won't.  ​I eat fairly healthfully.  There are no M&M's in the house.  Haven't been for a very long time.  I love veggies and fruits.  I rarely eat meat. And while I do enjoy an occasional treat, it isn't as if I ate a box of donuts every day.

​So I'm done.  The world is on notice.  Do Not Dare tell me that I am fat anymore.  I am not fat. I never was fat. I will never be fat.  But I also won't be skinny.  For the record, my cholesterol is great.  My bad cholesterol numbers are good and my good cholesterol numbers are great.  My blood pressure is rockstar and I'm still in the sweet zone BMI-wise.  I'm doing okay.  But I am not going to think about food all day every day.  I am not going to be hungry all of the time.  And I am not going to feel guilty on the rare occasion that I enjoy some ice cream. And believe me when I tell you that when I do finally allow myself that luscious treat it is not low fat, low calorie or in anyway healthy.  It's the real deal and it's wonderful.

​I am healthy.  I am happy.  And yes, I should lose ten pounds.  Maybe it will happen.  Maybe it won't.  But either way, I refuse to feel bad about it any longer.  And woe unto anyone who dares tell me otherwise.  That goes twice for our bathroom scale!!!